Survival Traits

Survival Traits
Survival
Staying Alive
Avoiding being dead for long stretches of time if possible
the difference between life and death can be as simple
And Crucial
as weak bowels. Take a look at Skunks
Yes Skunks
Take a look at Skunks not the swaggering black and white creatures of today
that instinctually raise a stink at the drop of a loud hat
No no I’m referring to the meager modest mostly miserable mammals
of Millenia ago
They were black and white back then too but they were Nature’s “Ho-Ho”
Small scruffy things that were too slow to get away from the predators
Til One day in the jungles of the dark
A leopard leapt out at a Skunk and the following went through the Skunk’s brain
“… Shit!!”
Fittingly Ironic, the same thing went through the Skunk’s Posterior
and WHEW the Leopard was so disgusted he vomited a little bit and stalked away
And the Skunk thought to himself “I’m gonna have to remember that one.”
So nowadays rather than simply defecating in terror the Skunk has developed a gland to produce a stench far worse than anything that ever left the ass of creatures walking the earth.
The same thing happened to Squids, who took a different tack of getting there
Back, millennia ago, the Squid had no major tricks up its many many sleeves
Til one day it thought to itself, ‘You know what would be useful?
It would be a lot easier catching food if I could grab it with all these damn tendrils
So instead of tendrils it grew tentacles and little suckers covered every inch of its many many limbs
And this worked for a while Before the squid was attacked by a shark and his thoughts went in the following manner.
“I’ll use my many suckers to… get attached to this thing trying to eat me. SHIT!!”
And suddenly the waters of the deep were that much darker as the foul fluid plumed towards the would be predator. Now, of course, it has ink rather than feces
Unless a marine biologist in the audience wishes to inform me that the ink is still shit
We call that a Survival Trait.
Makes one think we are in fact related to the Skunk and the Squid
One or the other or Both
Because man has been known to defecate in the presence of certain- or near-certain doom
Of course, shitting ones’ self is not always the appropriate survival response
Behold the Two-Toed Sloth So named for its pair of claw-like nails and it’s penchant for inactivity.
But back in that millennia ago, when the leopard was stalking the skunk, the Sloth was in this time faster than rabbits and leopards and leapt like a cricket into the trees of the jungles of the dark.
And there it stayed for all of four seconds
For it had no means to stay in the trees it had found such brief salvation in
As it plummeted back to the stinking scenario beneath it, the falling Sloth had the following thoughts
For it should be mentioned that animals can think faster than anything that walks on two legs
As it plummeted the Sloth had the following Thoughts
“…. Whew. Whoah, Shit!... SHIT! That didn’t help. You know what would have been useful here? Long curved claws so that I could stay high and dry from the shit-covered Leopard.”
And by a miracle the Sloth landed on the Leopard’s head, knocking him face first into the steaming pile of its own vomit and the Skunk’s survival trait. Blinded and unable to smell anything but Skunk Poo the Leopard was far too distracted to notice the rapidly retreating Sloth.
The rest is history. The Sloth grew longer nails, and eventually learned it was far easier eating leaves which didn’t move, since the Sloth’s now notoriously extended toes made running an impossibility.
There are other examples of course, but none so poignant or hopefully entertaining. Learning when to stop is a survival trait I have picked up on my own, with shitting myself never being part of the learning process.

Except for the once.