Of Course You Realize This Means War

It was bound to happen, sooner or later. It was inevitable, wasn’t it? As night follows day, as every river on earth flows south but the Nile… so must Oscar-Winning Actors Sharing A Birthday Meet In Glorious Combat!

Today, F. Murray Abraham and Kevin Kline must duke it out for ownership, once and for all, of October 24. Loser… has to find another date on which to celebrate their birth. Can Salieri defeat Otto? Can Ad'har Ru'afo survive against the Pirate King? Let’s find out!

Little known secret: hidden within each non-wartime Oscar award lies a deadly weapon, waiting to be unleashed. Okay, that isn’t actually true .The Oscar is pretty much a very shiny blunt object. Let the revels begin!

Kline is eight years younger than Abraham, and he’s always been known for being physically fit. Abraham’s years are going to cost him. What’s this? Oh! Kline is rooting through Abraham’s wardrobe and is pulling out his old Fruit of the Loom costume!

That’s right! Once upon a time, Signor Salieri played a bunch of grapes in FOTL commercials. It appears that Mr. Kline is trying to take him down by way of death-of-embarrassment. Abraham won’t be outdone… He’s sees Kline’s grape outfit and raises him the suit he wore in Wild Wild West. Oooooh. That’s going to cost Mr. Kline some points.

Of the weapons available to both, Kline has picked up the flail. With catlike tread, he sneaks up behind Abraham, who doesn’t appear to realize he’s there. Abraham ducks at the last possible moment! He catches Kevin’s wrist and judo-throws him over his shoulder. OH!

Fortunately, Kevin’s years of dance training enabled him to land in the least painful manner possible, and he’s back on his feet in no time. Abraham, wasting no time, GRABS HIS OSCAR and clubs Kline in the head! Kline is down! Kline is down!

F. is doing his best not to soliloquize over his fallen opponent, but old habits die hard. He casually, menacingly makes his way to the weapons table and picks out a short sword. This does not look good for Kevin. Get up, Kevin, get up!

Mr. Kline has played too many heroes not to know when to make a dramatic rise, and does so with aplomb. It looks like he’s holding the gun that saved the day in Silverado. He’s got it trained on Abraham, whose long list of villainous credits isn’t doing him much good at the moment. After all, how often does the bad guy really get away with it?

“Good bye, Kevin.”

“Good bye, F. Murray.” BANG.

F. Murray Abraham is down, but it doesn’t appear to be lethal. Mr. Kline left him alive! Still, I think it’s safe to say this fight is over! Phoebe Cates is coming out to congratulate her husband, and that’s the fight.

Tune in next time when Robert De Niro and the ghost of Marlon Brando duke it out for the right to bear the Academy Award for playing Don Corleone. Good night!