You Should See The "Javelin Toss"

In the latest from the Not Gonna Happen News Network, Sex has officially been added to the roster of Olympic Competitive Events. We go now to our field commentators, Anita Man and Hung Nicely.

Anita: Thanks, Casey. Now; a number of ‘guidebooks’ were consulted to establish a series of rules and regulations by which we can gauge an athlete’s performance in the field.
Hung: That’s right, Anita. The Olympic Standard has compiled a manual of their own from these rules, which I believe has been put on the open market. I’m told sales are going through the roof.
Anita: Naturally, there have been any number of reservations about the Olympics joining the 21st Century; not surprisingly from numerous religious groups. Common requests include that competitors be married to each other, and of course there have been countless complaints regarding the Men’s Synchronized events.
Hung: From the Catholics?
Anita: Right on the money, Hung.
Hung: This will also be the first Olympic event to be broadcast not on a network, but rather premium cable channels, for our American viewers. HBO has vied for the Summer Olympics, while Cinemax has secured rights for our Winter Games.
Anita: Regarding the Winter Events-- I understand that there have been complaints regarding the cold?
Hung: Correct. We’re seeing absolutely devastating cases of shrinkage across the board, due to bitter winds and chills. The Irish Team has protested vehemently, but judges haven’t noticed a difference.
Anita: I hate to see that happen to any man, let alone when so much is riding on his performance.
Hung: Hear, hear.
Anita: We also are hearing that the acceptable age of competitors is being raised to 18, across the board.
Hung: Yes.
Anita: Can we get a look at some scores?
Hung: Miranda Lin for China in the Uneven Bars division secured the Silver with an average of 8.9, losing points for a somewhat sloppy dismount.
Anita: I see.
Hung: Judges have withheld scores from Russia’s Ivana Polevska until they can determine with absolute certainty that she wasn’t faking.
Anita: They may be at it for some time.
Hung: Roger McCallum, of the US Pole Vault team, was disqualified after his unheard-of score of 9.9 was proven to be the result of drug use.
Anita: Steroids?
Hung: Viagra.
Anita: I see. That’s all we have for now, Casey, but tune in later for an update on the Ice Events!

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