Warning: Dunce At Work
A little over a month ago, I came to the decision that I didn’t want to date. I backed out of a fledgling relationship and assured myself it was the right thing to do. I’m a *different person* when I’m in a relationship. It took me long enough just to figure that much out. I still haven’t determined if it’s a good thing or not.
I’m not saying I’m a better or worse person one way or the other. I tend to be happier, in better spirits, that sort of thing. On the other hand, my decision-making skills have been known to go down the drain so fast I’d swear they were scuba-diving. Things get blown out of proportion.
*That’s* what I don’t want to happen again. I don’t want wake up and find I’m not in control of myself. I’ve been love’s bitch, and it wasn’t pleasant. It doesn’t necessarily happen every time I meet someone special, either, just often enough to flummox the crap out of me.
Romantic movies galore talk about “Letting yourself go” and “Loving like you’ve never been hurt” and other acts that may sound romantic on paper, but in reality can lead you to the kind of agony usually reserved for people watching Vin Diesel movies.
Yes, I’ve been hurt. Yes, I’ve put up walls with security gates and a rigorous screening process. Suspicious behavior will be monitored closely and analyzed… If it sounds crazy (and it does), consider it a necessary counter-measure after I learned the hard way that I’m not nearly as good a judge of character as I thought I was.
I’m over-thinking here. I know I am. It’s just that the effort I devote to figuring something out is matched by its importance; and relationships, in *any* form, are about as important as it gets. I can’t just toss it in the air and say “I’ll follow my instincts”, because my instincts have proven to be dead wrong in the past. My feelings have done the same.
I’ve managed to alienate, hurt, and essentially screw over some very decent people in the process of trying to figure out how this whole dating thing *works*. I’ve gotten it very right, and very wrong, depending on who you ask. Friends who have known me for years don’t believe me when I say it can turn ugly. Believe me.
Too much thinking. Need to take a break. Tasty chicken will be my salvation.
I’m not saying I’m a better or worse person one way or the other. I tend to be happier, in better spirits, that sort of thing. On the other hand, my decision-making skills have been known to go down the drain so fast I’d swear they were scuba-diving. Things get blown out of proportion.
*That’s* what I don’t want to happen again. I don’t want wake up and find I’m not in control of myself. I’ve been love’s bitch, and it wasn’t pleasant. It doesn’t necessarily happen every time I meet someone special, either, just often enough to flummox the crap out of me.
Romantic movies galore talk about “Letting yourself go” and “Loving like you’ve never been hurt” and other acts that may sound romantic on paper, but in reality can lead you to the kind of agony usually reserved for people watching Vin Diesel movies.
Yes, I’ve been hurt. Yes, I’ve put up walls with security gates and a rigorous screening process. Suspicious behavior will be monitored closely and analyzed… If it sounds crazy (and it does), consider it a necessary counter-measure after I learned the hard way that I’m not nearly as good a judge of character as I thought I was.
I’m over-thinking here. I know I am. It’s just that the effort I devote to figuring something out is matched by its importance; and relationships, in *any* form, are about as important as it gets. I can’t just toss it in the air and say “I’ll follow my instincts”, because my instincts have proven to be dead wrong in the past. My feelings have done the same.
I’ve managed to alienate, hurt, and essentially screw over some very decent people in the process of trying to figure out how this whole dating thing *works*. I’ve gotten it very right, and very wrong, depending on who you ask. Friends who have known me for years don’t believe me when I say it can turn ugly. Believe me.
Too much thinking. Need to take a break. Tasty chicken will be my salvation.
posted by Casey Jones @ 6/17/2005 12:40:00 PM
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