Of Course You Realize, This Means War

I consider myself a tolerant guy. I’m all for equal rights; regardless of gender, race, religion, or sexuality. This good-natured spirit of harmony with most living things (spiders are gross) extends even to those of the mystical variety. You think I kid?

I met a leprechaun once. Little nipper had a twisted ankle and his pot o’ gold was just sitting there. Did I make off with it to suit myself? Nope. The wee (and we’re talking *wee*) guy was on hard times, so I thought, “I’ll let this one slide.” He tipped his tiny green bowler and vanished in a puff of green smoke before I realized the little bastard had stolen my wallet.

Went on a date with a Banshee… We stopped by a Wal-Mart so that I could pick up some earplugs, so as not to shatter my precious eardrums. She never called me back, and then two weeks later I caught her making out with a satyr. Semi-transparent floozy.

I once found a hollowed-out tree trunk occupied by a peck of pixies. I handed ‘em a butterscotch drop, and it was like I had delivered ambrosia from on high. Fun fact: Pixies metabolize sugar as an intoxicant. What the winged little darlings did after that is best left out of the realm of description (and Fantasia, for that matter).

With these and other supernatural beings, I have no real beef. The leprechaun needed the money, so I’m not going to hold a grudge on him for picking my pocket.

But I draw the line at desk gnomes.

Some little miscreant has been removing items from my desk, and I choose to blame the desk gnomes. I don’t think I’m out of line here; we’ve all seen the documentaries, the evening reports of their workplace shenanigans. Footage of people’s desks missing quasi-important papers, only to be found months later being used as nesting material for the pointy-hat-wearing sons of bitches.

They’re trying to see how far they can go… I’m onto their game. So far, it’s a post-it here, a list of names there. Most recently, their desktop kleptomania has gone so far as to include receipts. For this, their heads will roll. From my car’s rear-view mirror I’ll dangle their trophied hats, when I finally catch them in the act.

And I will. Oh yes, will I catch them. You just watch me.