All Of Our Snacks Are Belong To Them

I’ve just been robbed! And not at gun point. No sir. Not by a long shot.

There’s a vending machine not far from my office. It sells cheddar-flavored popcorn. I like cheddar-flavored popcorn. I put in my dollar, it spat out my change and dropped my bag of popcorn, where it promptly got stuck. Good and stuck. One end of the bag caught on the lip of the trap door, the other end caught on a slot of Rice Krispy treats.

Sazza Fragga. No amount of shaking or smacking dislodged it, and thanks to today’s advanced vending machine technology, there’s a trap door installed to make sure one doesn’t reach up into the machine and snag what’s rightfully his!

I thought, okay, I can just buy something else to fall on the popcorn, and presto. I probably shouldn’t go with more popcorn. It’s so light, it might just get stuck on top of the first bag, right?

So I thought, fine, I’ll get those Snackwell cookies. They look like they’ve got some low-calorie heft, might knock it good and loose. Presto, popcorn and cookies, right??

WRONG. The fraggin’ machine ate my dollar. First it mocks me by holding onto my popcorn and then it just blatantly robs me. I pushed the button to get my dollar back, nothing doing. Freakin’ Lava! No popcorn. No cookies.

Of course you realize... this means war. Kaplahr.