Shortpacked: Long On Appeal

It’s a weak pun, forgive me. It’s late. For… some people. It’s late for me tonight.

Regardless. I like smiling, as most people do (even if it makes your face ache), and something that makes me smile every time I read it is Shortpacked. Take today’s comic. I’m a confessed Star Wars geek, and David Willis (brilliant and elegant mind behind the strip) knows from funny. Especially when it comes to Star Wars.

Geeks, dorks, fools and various other not-cool-as-they-are people, check it out. This is what happens when you go mistreatin’ on Natalie Portman. You end up limbless on the bank of a river of molten freaking lava. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s never a pretty sight. Jude Law’s character in Closer? Limbless, screaming, by a river of molten freaking lava.

The aliens from Mars Attacks who tried to zap her to kingdom come? River of molten freaking lava. Gary Oldman! Trying to get rid of her in her first movie, Leon! Lava! A freaking river!

Don’t mess with Natalie Portman. It’s not that you physically can’t. You can. And she’ll start to cry really heart-wrenchingly. (Yeah. It’s a word.) But the repercussions will not be pretty. You end up unable to clap your hands, stomp your feet, or do any other part of the hokey pokey, breathing noxious fumes including the vaporized remains of your own feet. Freaking. Lava.

From there, you go to the lab. You wake up more machine than man, and by gum, you have to have a really over-dramatic scene screaming “Noooooooo”. Nobody wants to see that, even if you’re voiced by James Earl Jones.

The lessons learned: Shortpacked is funny. And lava is really, really hot. So don’t go mistreatin’.

You’ve been warned.