A Spoonful Of Sugar Isn't Going To Help, Here

In what surely must be taken as a sign that the cinematic powers that be are deliberately trying to unlock the very gates of Hell, Steven Spielberg is remaking Mary Poppins.

Sweet Baby Jesus.

Are we so hard up for movie ideas that we have to exhaust the annals of bad 70’s television, or try to remake movies that really, really needn’t be touched?

Remakes: You’re either going to knock it out of the park, or take a 98 mile-an-hour fastball straight to the crotch. Let’s take a look, shall we?

MGM’s Wizard of Oz was the fifth incarnation of that title, in less than thirty full years. The Stepford Wives was a debacle. Planet of the Apes even moreso. The Mummy remake hopped genres, but was still enjoyable (and lucrative enough to garner a sequel and a spin-off). Gaslight was made twice in just four years, starring Ingrid Bergman and a young Angela Lansbury the second time around. It’s excellent. One of my favorites, 1974’s The Front Page, is a remake. So is The Thing. That one’s at the absolute top of the list.

But Mary Poppins? Mary Poppins?? No one could argue that they didn’t get it right the first time. There is literally nothing wrong with it. It’s movie magic, it’s uplifting, and it starred Julie Andrews. I don’t need to use adjectives to describe her. You know who I’m talking about. She’s Julie Andrews.

I never saw the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Much as I love Steve Martin, The Pink Panther isn’t on my list to see, either. The originals were too good.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention King Kong. Peter Jackson did marvelous things with it, and remained faithful to the original movie by completely skipping the trip from Skull Island back to New York. And I loved it.

Hell: Mel Brooks took one of his best movies, The Producers, and put it on Broadway as a Musical. It SWEPT the Tony’s and is now back in theatres as the movie of the musical of the movie. Similar plans are in motion for Young Frankenstein.

There’s also something to be said for taking a new look at older material, and changing it enough that you’re not just rehashing greatness. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead leaps to mind. What possessed Tom Stoppard to adapt Hamlet to his own devices? I don’t know. But I’m glad he did.

As for Poppins 2.0, I reserve judgment. I really don’t think Spielberg is going to do any great thing with it. He’s got some huge shoes to fill. I just hope he’s got his cup; because the words ‘Swing and a miss’ are rebounding through my mind.

Oh, God-- Nobody’s touching Casablanca, are they?