Novelists Plead To Rowling, Potter Auther Replies "Mind Your Own Sodding Business"

This week coming from the Semi-True Post: Novelists John Irving (The World According to Garp) and Stephen "Healthy Childhood" King held a news conference where they announced they had written to J. K. Rowling, imploring her not to kill Harry Potter in the final book of the series.

Rowling had this to say:

"Can you believe the cheek on those Yanks? Look, King. It's my premise, it's my billions, I'll do whatever the sodding hell I want to. The Potter brat will go prancing into his grave in a tutu if the mood strikes me. Don't push it, King. I can buy you a dozen times over." At which point, the novelist gave this reporter the stink-eye.

Satan, attributed by some as responsible for the outrageous success of the books, had the following comments: "What, Miss Used-to-live-on-foodstamps? Look, I'm keeping up my end of the bargain. As long as she keeps sending me the souls of her unsuspecting readership, we're all happy. ...Cigar?"

Harry Potter and the Scene In Which He Dies, Taking Voldemort With Him (& What The Hell, Hermione For Good Measure) is expected to be on shelves late next year.