S Is For Sorkin

After only two episodes, I've fallen in love with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The writing's fabulous, the cast is superb, the pacing is pure Aaron Sorkin. Love it. I awoke this morning with the most bizarre idea I've had in a while, but it tickled me so what the heck.

For your enjoyment below is Sesame Street, as written by Aaron Sorkin.

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STUDIO 6 ON THE SESAME STRIP by Casey Jones

(The following takes place between the Director and a PA of Sesame Street, walking through the sets.)

Robin: Good morning, ma’am.
Nadine: Good morning. What sort of disasters do we have lined up for today?
Robin: Well, Bert’s pigeons have caught some sort of bug, they’ve been bombarding his Brownstone with droppings since midnight. One of Ernie’s eyes is—
Nadine: Robin?
Robin: Yes?
Nadine: When I asked you for disasters, I hope you realize I wasn’t literally asking for them.
Robin: Disasters?
Nadine: Yes.
Robin: From your lips to God’s ear, ma’am, because we’ve got ‘em.
Nadine: Fantastic. You mentioned something about Ernie?
Robin: His eye. It’s missing.
Nadine: Ernie’s eye is missing.
Robin: Yes.
Nadine: Any idea where it went?
Robin: No ma’am. That’s pretty much the definition of ‘missing’.
Nadine: I see.
Robin: Twice as well as Ernie, in any case.
Nadine: Suggestions?
Robin: We could adjust his eyebrow to suggest that he’s winking?
Nadine: And how long is the Bert & Ernie Segment this morning…
Robin: Seven minutes.
Nadine: Have you ever seen someone wink for seven minutes?
Robin: Ernie’s a professional, ma’am. I’m sure he would give it his level best.
Nadine: Uh-huh. Don’t we keep spares around? Lots of Muppet spares?
Robin: Ordinarily yes, but as fortune would frown on it we’re fresh out.
Nadine: What about sunglasses?
Robin: Muppet sunglasses.
Nadine: Yes. What about them?
Robin: Ma’am, Muppet eyes are somewhat more three-dimensional than conventional eyeballs, it would still be noticeable from any side-shot that Ernie had become a Cyclops.
Nadine: Eyepatch?
Robin: Hm. There’s a thought.
Nadine: We slap an eyepatch on him, give him a funny hat and Velcro a parrot to his shoulder, we’ve got Ernie acting like a Pirate.
Robin: Why would Ernie act like a pirate?
Nadine: He’s Ernie, Robin. He doesn’t need a reason.
Robin: Fair enough.
Nadine: Have the writers whip up a counting song, something along the lines of “Pieces of 8, 9, 10.”
Robin: Aye aye, captain.
Nadine: Please, let’s be respectful of Ernie’s handicap.
Robin: …Aye.
(Beat.)
Nadine: What else.
Robin: We’ve been getting some negative polling recently on Oscar--
Nadine: You’ve got to be kidding.
Robin: On Oscar the Grouch. Parents disapprove of his attitude, as well as the fact that he lives in a garbage can.
Nadine: He’s Oscar the Grouch.
Robin: The irony is staggering, ma’am.
Nadine: He’s been living in that trashcan for decades!
Robin: Polls suggest they’d like an explanation for his choosing to live in a garbage can on the side of the street.
Nadine: Fine. Tell them it’s rent controlled. What else.
Robin: Only that we’re approaching Bert & Ernie’s apartment building,
(Robin hands Nadine an umbrella without missing a beat.)
Robin: and the pigeons are still treating the place like their own Pearl Harbor.
(Nadine opens the umbrella, saved from any number of pigeon droppings.)
Nadine: That’s just swell. Get me animal control, tell him we need healthier birds. Have Facilities over here cleaning up the mess on the double. And Robin?
Robin: Yes ma’am?
Nadine: The next time I ask you for disasters, try not to, you know. Have any.
Robin: Yes ma’am.