Mental Flotsam, Mental Jetsam

Because the only thing that beats going crazy is going crazy with somebody else

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Ditching "The Plan"

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. My own, mostly; but also those of family & friends.

To start, let me say that I like to plan ahead. For auditions, for writing projects, for a lot of different things. Ounce of measure, blah blah blah.

For years I've wondered, without an answer; why more often than not it was so damned difficult to relax in a relationship. There were exceptions, and those exceptions were stellar. I think I found my answer as to why.

I have friends. I have friends who are women. I can be myself completely around these people. When I've dated there was that need to 'be on'. To be performing, entertaining, a little charming. Just because it got results didn't make it the right way to go.

For the longest time I had a plan; for the woman I was going to spend my life with. I didn't know her name, I didn't have too many assumptions on what kind of person she was going to be; but the plan basically consisted of "Meet in College, Fall in Love, Spend Life Together." It was how my parents met. It seemed like a pretty good way to go.

When they divorced, it admittedly put several wrinkles in this; but ultimately ended up as a confusing list of "Dos" and "Do Nots" added to the plan.

The best relationship I had in college was with a woman I met by accident. Wasn't looking for her, or anyone, and there she was. We spent the next eight months together. It was wonderful. At which point, the Life plan stepped in to muck things up, when I graduated. The Life plan won. I try not to have regrets in life, but that was one for the record books.

I'm not saying love is the be-all, end-all. What I am saying is that in the past I've managed to screw it up magnificently by trying to subconsciously go by some kind of schedule. That scheme has bitten me in the ass every time.

... I recently met someone. We seem to have hit it off. She's nice, she's smart, she's fun, she lives in New York. The other night, I caught myself in a dialogue with her where I was trying to 'shortcut' my way toward a better connection with her. I stopped when I realized what I was doing.

I don't want to rush anything. I don't want to see any markers of progress along the way. I am throwing out any conceived notions of an agenda. I no longer have one.

Kind of a big realization for me, one worth sharing. Who knew you'd read up on an epiphany today? Lucky you. Lucky me.


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