I've Seen Some Horrible Movies...
Wow.
I was at a friend's house this past Saturday night; and what should come across the screen but a movie on Showtime: House of the Dead. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to scour every trace of this flick from my head. This steaming pile of dog poop is easily the worst movie I have seen all year. I'll even throw in 2004 to be on the safe side.
The only relief I feel in this entire experience is knowing I did not pay to see this movie. Had that been the case, I would have been compelled to burn the wallet that housed the money that paid for the ticket to this black hole of a movie.
Don't get me wrong. I love me a good zombie flick. Re: Dawn of the Dead (Yes, the remake). I've even enjoyed the occasional movie-made-from-a-video-game. I struggle to think of one at the moment, but still. This movie was crap, crap, crap.
What was so bad about it, you ask? I'll be too happy to go into detail. Let's start with the frills and work our way inward. It doesn't get more pointless than entirely pointless nudity. Even Friday the 13th movies had better context to have a woman sans top. There's a scene in this film (whose name I will not type again, for fear of infecting my fingers with its putrescence) which has a woman in a kitchen, cooking something topless. Just... whatever. "La la la, where'd I put that darn top? Oh well! Oh, hi person I've never met before!"
Club Dread wasn't this bad. Club Dread was occasionally funny. This movie didn't have that saving grace. Okay. Next; let's talk about the horrid overuse of bullet-time. And sporadic screenshots from the original game, which served absolutely no purpose to the flick whatsoever. The game itself is a first person shooter. That's all. Not really fodder for any good plot to start with.
I don't know how they managed to get him to do it (I'm betting on money), but the casting agent somehow managed to convince Jurgen Prochnow, of Das Boot notoriety, to play a salty sea captain in this dung hill of a flick. Ugh. The acting was bad. Really bad. Even for a no-plot waste of time like this, the acting was bad.
At least the actors (burning my fingers typing the word in reference to these cardboard cut-outs) had some great dialogue to work with. My favorite exchange is still:
Alicia: You did all this to become immortal. Why? Castillo: To live forever!
I'm not making this up. I wish I were. Still. Just... Agh. The other noteworthy moment, our heroes (ha) are down to three, making their way through a dark tunnel towards the beach (and hopeful salvation). The sadsack zombies begin coming out of the walls, and a girl armed with a machete says to her compatriots "Go on guys, I'll handle these." She should have said, "Go on guys, I'll handle these... by being delicious." She doesn't last ten seconds before the zombies obligingly eat her.
If you have the opportunity to see this m- mo- flick, turn it down. Don't watch it as a joke. Don't watch it for a laugh. Simply do not watch it. It transcends levels of crap not before spelunked my mortal movie-makers. There is no redeeming value to seeing it. Or speaking of it further, for that matter.
Moving on.
I was at a friend's house this past Saturday night; and what should come across the screen but a movie on Showtime: House of the Dead. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to scour every trace of this flick from my head. This steaming pile of dog poop is easily the worst movie I have seen all year. I'll even throw in 2004 to be on the safe side.
The only relief I feel in this entire experience is knowing I did not pay to see this movie. Had that been the case, I would have been compelled to burn the wallet that housed the money that paid for the ticket to this black hole of a movie.
Don't get me wrong. I love me a good zombie flick. Re: Dawn of the Dead (Yes, the remake). I've even enjoyed the occasional movie-made-from-a-video-game. I struggle to think of one at the moment, but still. This movie was crap, crap, crap.
What was so bad about it, you ask? I'll be too happy to go into detail. Let's start with the frills and work our way inward. It doesn't get more pointless than entirely pointless nudity. Even Friday the 13th movies had better context to have a woman sans top. There's a scene in this film (whose name I will not type again, for fear of infecting my fingers with its putrescence) which has a woman in a kitchen, cooking something topless. Just... whatever. "La la la, where'd I put that darn top? Oh well! Oh, hi person I've never met before!"
Club Dread wasn't this bad. Club Dread was occasionally funny. This movie didn't have that saving grace. Okay. Next; let's talk about the horrid overuse of bullet-time. And sporadic screenshots from the original game, which served absolutely no purpose to the flick whatsoever. The game itself is a first person shooter. That's all. Not really fodder for any good plot to start with.
I don't know how they managed to get him to do it (I'm betting on money), but the casting agent somehow managed to convince Jurgen Prochnow, of Das Boot notoriety, to play a salty sea captain in this dung hill of a flick. Ugh. The acting was bad. Really bad. Even for a no-plot waste of time like this, the acting was bad.
At least the actors (burning my fingers typing the word in reference to these cardboard cut-outs) had some great dialogue to work with. My favorite exchange is still:
Alicia: You did all this to become immortal. Why? Castillo: To live forever!
I'm not making this up. I wish I were. Still. Just... Agh. The other noteworthy moment, our heroes (ha) are down to three, making their way through a dark tunnel towards the beach (and hopeful salvation). The sadsack zombies begin coming out of the walls, and a girl armed with a machete says to her compatriots "Go on guys, I'll handle these." She should have said, "Go on guys, I'll handle these... by being delicious." She doesn't last ten seconds before the zombies obligingly eat her.
If you have the opportunity to see this m- mo- flick, turn it down. Don't watch it as a joke. Don't watch it for a laugh. Simply do not watch it. It transcends levels of crap not before spelunked my mortal movie-makers. There is no redeeming value to seeing it. Or speaking of it further, for that matter.
Moving on.
posted by Casey Jones @ 2/21/2005 03:54:00 PM
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