Ready... Aim...

Nothing gives my black, twisted heart such joy to harp on; like really stupid advertising. Really, really stupid advertising.

It’s been argued by my brother that even mentioning said commercial (or its kin in the halls of yee-gods-turn-it-off) is aiding in their goal: namely paying attention to their product. To which I say… don’t care. It’s still fun.

Today’s target? So glad you asked. The SUV commercial featuring “es-yu-vees”: Furry, uncontrollable behemoths that buck like broncos, with headlights for eyes. Any car commercial where they don’t actually show you the car they’re trying to sell you? Not a great opener.

Thanks to the powers that be of Boy Scouts, I’ve had the experience of going to an actual rodeo. For those dear readers who don’t know what they do to the bulls in order to make them so high-fallootin’ ornery… you don’t want to know. On their es-yu-vee counterparts, I can only say I feel sorry for their lug nuts.

As a consumer: Do you really want to compare your next car to some unsteerable monstrosity that will throw you off the first chance it gets? Can anyone tell me where they rate in the Safe Driver’s guide?

I know that somewhere out there; the marketing minds behind Barnyard Commandos must be shuddering at the sight of this ad. Do you remember Barnyard Commandos? The thrilling (to a ten year old) cartoon commercials showed various livestock kicking tail and taking names. We couldn’t wait to get our mitts on ‘em. The toys themselves were nothing more than plastic and rubber paperweights. No moving parts. No props or pieces to stick in their hands. Completely useless toys.

The reason I bring them up is because I’m afraid that, somewhere out there, there’s that gullible someone who is going to go to a dealership expecting to find that grunting, overbearing, giant-sized monster... besides the car salesman. And they will be sorely disappointed to find just a really big car. With bad gas mileage.

I think I’ve just about satisfied my quota of venom…

Have a lovely morning, folks.