Hedonist Commits Self, "Just What I Always Wanted"

From the latest edition of the Entirely Fake News:

A local man committed himself to psychiatric care yesterday, citing he was not to be left to his own recognizance until his hedonist urges could be brought under control.

"It's ridiculous," the straight-jacketed skirt-chaser confided, "I got chronic great taste in unavailable women."

Dr. Emil Snapoutofit is confident that treatment will benefit the anonymous homewrecker. "Ven ve get to ze base of ze patient's inappropriate desires, ve vill be able to grasp zem like so, unt yank zem out by ze roots!! It vill be remarkably painful, but ze medicine tastes bad for a reason, ja?"

Before these drastic measures, the local flirt had gone to less invasive (and effective) lengths.

"I got a bad haircut, I tried deliberately sayin' the wrong thing; hell-- I lowered the bar of my standards 'til I was makin' eyes at a frisky-looking three-toed sloth at the habitat. Her mate? Not pleased. Lucky for me the slow bastard hasn't made it down the tree yet, or I might have gotten some real nasty scratches.

"Anyway, nothin' doin'. No matter what I try, I can't seem to attract the ladies I actually have a shot with."

Mr. [name undisclosed] is looking forward to shock therapy treatments, injections, and a running audio-loop of the Rolling Stones' classic You Can't Always Get What You Want.

"I hope this crap works," he said, as the primary meds began kicking in. "It's either this, or goin' Eunuch. I'm not that nuts about recovery, if you get my drift."