Mental Flotsam, Mental Jetsam

Because the only thing that beats going crazy is going crazy with somebody else

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Waiting On Thin Ice


One of the only drawbacks to having a birthday (aside from the threat of random disaster) is the restaurant song. As an ex-waiter who sang, I’m aware that on some level I may still be paying karmically for it, but I hate having a bunch of strangers file out of the kitchen and sing whatever song their restaurant decides is entertaining for your birthday. It’s just embarrassing. (An actor avoiding attention—go figure.)

I went out with my Dad and Elaine last night, and our waiter was not the slickest guy in the place. He was coming across as a bit abrasive, and I don’t think it was his intent. I felt for him. He had some sort of bandage on his forearm; he might have accidentally burned himself by carrying a few hot plates, who knows.

Regardless: He wasn’t winning us over with his charm. Matter of fact, he was kind of annoying.

And he noticed presents at the table.

He asked about the gifts, I told him we were celebrating Rosh Hashanah. He didn’t buy it. My dad had ordered bacon on his burger. Dang. I told the waiter that the bacon-eater had married my mom (Elaine in this clever ruse) and that explained the bacon. He joked that the chicken on my salad wasn’t kosher, I told him I was destroying it by eating it. He didn’t buy that either.

He came back to check on us a bit later, and said dessert would be out shortly. Free birthday dessert, with a small swarm of employees. I told him I’d pass, that I didn’t want any dessert (Which was true. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth.) He said he’d already ordered it, and I should accept it on behalf of my folks, for putting up with me the rest of the year.

I knew what he was going for with that crack, but it didn’t fly. It garnered an ‘ouch’ from the parentals instead of a laugh. I chuckled, and told him he “was really racking up the tip.” A nearby sarcasm detector politely exploded.

A few minutes later, he came back with our check, and the makings of a brownie dessert in a to-go box. He had tactfully cancelled the singalong. We paid the check (leaving a good tip), and got outta there. I offered Elaine and Dad the dessert, none of us wanted it. When I saw the waiter wasn’t looking, it went in the trash.

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