Waiting On Thin Ice

One of the only drawbacks to having a birthday (aside from the threat of random disaster) is the restaurant song. As an ex-waiter who sang, I’m aware that on some level I may still be paying karmically for it, but I hate having a bunch of strangers file out of the kitchen and sing whatever song their restaurant decides is entertaining for your birthday. It’s just embarrassing. (An actor avoiding attention—go figure.)

I went out with my Dad and Elaine last night, and our waiter was not the slickest guy in the place. He was coming across as a bit abrasive, and I don’t think it was his intent. I felt for him. He had some sort of bandage on his forearm; he might have accidentally burned himself by carrying a few hot plates, who knows.

Regardless: He wasn’t winning us over with his charm. Matter of fact, he was kind of annoying.

And he noticed presents at the table.

He asked about the gifts, I told him we were celebrating Rosh Hashanah. He didn’t buy it. My dad had ordered bacon on his burger. Dang. I told the waiter that the bacon-eater had married my mom (Elaine in this clever ruse) and that explained the bacon. He joked that the chicken on my salad wasn’t kosher, I told him I was destroying it by eating it. He didn’t buy that either.

He came back to check on us a bit later, and said dessert would be out shortly. Free birthday dessert, with a small swarm of employees. I told him I’d pass, that I didn’t want any dessert (Which was true. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth.) He said he’d already ordered it, and I should accept it on behalf of my folks, for putting up with me the rest of the year.

I knew what he was going for with that crack, but it didn’t fly. It garnered an ‘ouch’ from the parentals instead of a laugh. I chuckled, and told him he “was really racking up the tip.” A nearby sarcasm detector politely exploded.

A few minutes later, he came back with our check, and the makings of a brownie dessert in a to-go box. He had tactfully cancelled the singalong. We paid the check (leaving a good tip), and got outta there. I offered Elaine and Dad the dessert, none of us wanted it. When I saw the waiter wasn’t looking, it went in the trash.