V For Vendetta: When Will People Learn?

Know ahead of time, spoilers found below. Can't say I didn't warn ya.

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Folks, I've said it before, I'll say it again. You cannot go mistreatin' on Natalie Portman and expect to get away with it.

You make her cry, you're going to end up dead. It's as simple as that. Sure, the Totalitarian Regime that is the stage of V For Vendetta has its other flaws, but the fact that they contributed to Ms. Portman's tears is, in movies, the grievous offense.

Three Fingermen try to do most unsavory and unscrupulous things to her at the film's start: They're immediately attacked by a vigilante quoting Macbeth. A friend and confidante is beaten before her very eyes (here come the waterworks); the party responsible likewise receives its deadly, bullet-time comeuppance.

Even the protagonist is not immune to the Freakin' Lava rule: As part of a damned-effective ruse, he reduces Natalie's character to practically nothing through systematic interrogation, isolation, and torture. During which, of course, she weeps.

The outcome? Blown to shit. Our hero in a Guy Fawkes get-up is spectacularly reduced to smithereens by way of the Midnight Kablooie Express to Parliament. The effects of which are not unlike being cast aside a river of freaking lava.

For your own sakes, people: If you find yourself in a Natalie Portman flick, under no circumstances make the woman cry. Hmm, wait-- Tears of happiness would be okay, I think, but you're probably better off not pressing your luck.

I'm just sayin'.