Mental Flotsam, Mental Jetsam

Because the only thing that beats going crazy is going crazy with somebody else

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Repeating Old Mistakes

I'm not especially proud of the last 24 hours. I thought I was keeping track of my finances better; and with one omission that I'd neglected to literally take into account, I'm out a nasty sum in overdraft fees.

Damn. This is not the first time something like this has happened, but it will hopefully be the last.

Work has been especially taxing, lately. I'm not making the kind of progress that's required of me. It's only because (I think) I remind my boss of a young him that I currently have a job. I cannot afford to screw things up, here.

It's difficult to pinpoint exactly when it happened; but some time in the last year things got harder. More challenging, yes, but the opportunities for success and its due rewards likewise expanded. I think. I hope. I really want to believe there's some balance to be found between the amount of effort I'm making and the possible positive outcomes.

I have to stop repeating the same mistakes. I won't grow, I won't have learned my lesson until I do.

In the past two weeks I've given a good deal of thought to quitting. (I never said I wasn't stupid.) I'm under more scrutiny than I've ever been before, and the ego has taken a number of blows that will likely turn out to build f*cking character. I have more responsibility than I asked for, but I am learning. This feels like the first time that learning has been so extremely unpleasant an experience.

I've been working on a screenplay for the past 7 days. As of last night, I had 60 good pages; which is unheard of for me-- I've never written anything this fast. I could have gotten more done tonight; but I let the stresses of the day get to me and now my focus is lost. Will I get it back tonight? It doesn't seem likely.

Now what? I made choices that brought me to this place, in this time. Some of them were good and right, but a lot of them were very poor.

I'm conflicted. Very conflicted. I'm tempted to go for a walk, despite the ongoing rain. I could use the chance to stretch my legs. I could use the chance to think.

Too often I've indulged in habits because they were comfortable. I'm now (and have been) at the point where they are proving to be detrimental. It's nothing I didn't know. I just... didn't worry about the consequences. I put them off. I can very much believe that I was this stupid.

Something is coming. It's on the periphery, on the horizon, but something is coming. It's up to me to determine what's in it. Good or bad, great or small... Time will tell.

Ciao for now, folks. More to follow.



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