Mental Flotsam, Mental Jetsam

Because the only thing that beats going crazy is going crazy with somebody else

Sunday, May 10, 2009

So Much Going On

A lot of things have been on my mind, lately. Life in New York has afforded me some wonderful opportunities, as well as cost me dearly in more ways than one.

At present, I'm only working part-time, a fact I hope to rectify by tomorrow-- if not the end of the week.

My writing is going very well, insomuch as productivity is concerned. I'm too close and too subjective to attest to its quality. It *feels* good, and that will have to be enough for now.

In addition to all this; my comic book, which I have devoted more than two years of my energy and resources to, is gaining steam. I have a plan that could provide me with all the capital I need to finish the job-- a sum that is everything to me, and possibly very little to others.

It feels as if I'm pussyfooting. Hesitating. I'm not closing the deal. While caution is absolutely necessary, this feels like borderline inertia. A mis-step should be avoided-- and I'm doing everything I can to do exactly that-- but what will I be able to say, at week's end? That I found more work? That I accomplished the things I needed to accomplish? That I tried?

Fear of failure has always been a motivator for me; but right now I feel shackled to it. Tomorrow is going to be important on at least two levels that have nothing to do with my current job; to say nothing of my writing. It's crucial these things go well.

And I'm afraid. There's nothing more I can do right now regarding either of them; so worrying about them won't achieve anything. Not a blessed thing.

At the most basic level, I'm grateful for the following:
* I have a family that-- while a fair distance away-- loves and supports me.
* I have instincts, drives and talents that have gotten me this far.
* I have ambition.
* I believe I can do this well.

For all the wind in my sails that those first three things contribute; ultimately they mean nothing without the fourth. I have to believe I can do this well: Write, achieve, find for myself the resources I need.

Otherwise... what is the point?


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