Mental Flotsam, Mental Jetsam

Because the only thing that beats going crazy is going crazy with somebody else

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Well Isn't This Just Great

I've never enjoyed not knowing what to do. (I can't think of anyone who likes feeling ignorant or unsure.) Everyone has a comfort zone. We go out of our way to stay inside them-- stick to things we're good at, hang with people we like and are like us, avoid unnecessary challenges and upsets.

In terms of a comfort zone, I feel quite close to the edge of mine. It's been brought to my attention that I avoid dealing with things that make me angry. I laugh them off, or ignore them, or pay attention to something else until they go away. It's pretty much how I left things with my first roommate, here in New York. We had issues, we never talked about them, we avoided each other, and then I moved out.

Why do I avoid conflict? Why do I back down every time? Why do I wait them out?

My patience has been rewarded (sort of) in the past. If I was in a show and didn't get along with someone (this was rare); I knew it'd only be a matter of time before the run was finished. Then I'd never have to see them again. Problem solved?

Why bottle it up? Why refuse to face it? What is so wrong with anger that it can't be processed in a healthy way? What the hell is so wrong with a disagreement? Or a balanced confrontation? Or facing an issue that needs resolving? And most importantly, where the fuck do I get answers at this point?

This sounds stupid even as I'm typing it, but I always assumed Anger Management courses involved people who couldn't control a temper they already had-- not a temper they never lost. It's about being assertive.

I get angry, or offended, and then do nothing about it. I don't bring it up, I don't try to resolve the issue, I just clean up after it and subconsciously expect/wait for it to happen again.

It pisses me off.

Not pants-rippingly-turning-green-and-monosyllabic pissed off, but still. A degree of anger is there.

I think there are things I can do to become more assertive. Responsible things. It's not about power, or taking control, it's about getting done the things I need to get done. Doing what's right for me.

On a side-note, it is grossly uncomfortable even writing about this subject. Change is uncomfortable-- like trying on clothes that are too small, and having to move around in them even though they're constricting you.

Still, this is important. Important and worth sharing. Thanks, coach.

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