Well Isn't This Just Great

I've never enjoyed not knowing what to do. (I can't think of anyone who likes feeling ignorant or unsure.) Everyone has a comfort zone. We go out of our way to stay inside them-- stick to things we're good at, hang with people we like and are like us, avoid unnecessary challenges and upsets.

In terms of a comfort zone, I feel quite close to the edge of mine. It's been brought to my attention that I avoid dealing with things that make me angry. I laugh them off, or ignore them, or pay attention to something else until they go away. It's pretty much how I left things with my first roommate, here in New York. We had issues, we never talked about them, we avoided each other, and then I moved out.

Why do I avoid conflict? Why do I back down every time? Why do I wait them out?

My patience has been rewarded (sort of) in the past. If I was in a show and didn't get along with someone (this was rare); I knew it'd only be a matter of time before the run was finished. Then I'd never have to see them again. Problem solved?

Why bottle it up? Why refuse to face it? What is so wrong with anger that it can't be processed in a healthy way? What the hell is so wrong with a disagreement? Or a balanced confrontation? Or facing an issue that needs resolving? And most importantly, where the fuck do I get answers at this point?

This sounds stupid even as I'm typing it, but I always assumed Anger Management courses involved people who couldn't control a temper they already had-- not a temper they never lost. It's about being assertive.

I get angry, or offended, and then do nothing about it. I don't bring it up, I don't try to resolve the issue, I just clean up after it and subconsciously expect/wait for it to happen again.

It pisses me off.

Not pants-rippingly-turning-green-and-monosyllabic pissed off, but still. A degree of anger is there.

I think there are things I can do to become more assertive. Responsible things. It's not about power, or taking control, it's about getting done the things I need to get done. Doing what's right for me.

On a side-note, it is grossly uncomfortable even writing about this subject. Change is uncomfortable-- like trying on clothes that are too small, and having to move around in them even though they're constricting you.

Still, this is important. Important and worth sharing. Thanks, coach.

Having Watched The Ball Drop

Former plans for tonight were beset by my still recovering from surgery. I was planning to celebrate with Bill and Dany, but not feeling well enough for the trip (or the subsequent allergies) I opted to stay in Queens instead.

Kate's brother Andy arrived, and the five of us had a very nice evening. Right through Midnight.

Precisely the moment, watching the ball drop, that it sunk in that I live in New York. The people in Times Square yacking it up are less than four miles from here.

This is January First. I've moved to a new city, and this is as good a time as any to say that it actually feels like home. Outstanding.

I have no idea what this year is going to bring. I have an inkling or two, but certainly nothing I want to mention this early for fear of jinxing it... Never the less. Here we are.

Be well, folks. Happy New Year.

Last Chance, Kiddies

Well, this Friday morning airs the final episode (for now?) of Pendemonium. TLC, Six to Six Thirty. That's all twelve. And right before the end of the year, too.

I want to see it. I mean, I performed it, and I have all the episodes on DVDs generously provided by the studio; but I want to see it on the TV screen. Complete with commercial interruptions. Dark Marker on The Learning Channel. Outstanding.

I can't shake how huge this year has been in regards to change. Friends have gotten married. Others have gotten engaged. Friends have had their first children. Heather got her Master's Degree. And me? A new look, new address, new job; and for the first time, my voice has been on cable. Hopefully not the last time...

I don't know which is stranger; the fact that all this has happened in the last 365 days, or that I had a sense that it was coming. Or is that just BS, and I made the changes happen because I felt they were due?

Your guess is as good as mine.

This year has seen its share of joys, challenges and pain. Successful ventures and flat-on-my-face failures. Certainly a full year to be sure. I don't know why I'm yammering on like this. Could be because it's two o'clock, and thanks to the nap earlier I'm not tired. Could be the pain killers (which have subsided).

Well. What the hell. I'm calling it a night anyway. Cheers, folks. Sweet dreams.

Hmm.

So. I' moving to New York City in twelve days. It feels huge. I can't measure how strange it feels. Really. Everything is going to change.

Friends I've seen sporadically over the last decade are going to become a lot closer. My side-jobs up until now are going to be my only jobs. Voice work and transcription; that's it.

I don't mind saying it's freaking me out a bit. Course, we've known for years that a move is one of the biggest changes a person can undertake; and it's high time for this one. High time.

Shit.

I'm going through the process of sorting my things into boxes; both literal and the lesser-case of that which I'm taking with me and that which I leave behind. Who needs metaphors with that going on?

I'm going to miss my friends. My family. My future is staring me in the face and I have no idea what it looks like. So here it is. Twelve days away.

Ready or not. Here I come.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I've said more than once that I knew (or felt) early on that this year would largely be one of change. Turns out I've been right. The lastest evidence of which; my car collided with at about 50 miles an hour on Sunday. I'll never see my car, lovingly named Claudia, in working order again. I'm getting over it.

The majority of other changes this year have been positive. Some of the best of them haven't been mine: Friends have graduated from college with Master's degrees, gotten married and some have even started (or continued) having children. The good changes don't come much bigger than that.

So, why this year? What makes it so fertile for things shaken up? In an abstract way, it does feel connected; even between friends of mine who have never met. They're taking similar steps at similar times; somewhere along the line my brain developed a knack for spotting patterns (significant or imaginary).

Two months from now, I'm moving: New town, old friends, and I'm chasing down some opportunities I've been drooling over for years. Why now. Whether I'll be moving on or not remains to be seen, but I've nothing better to do than find out.

I have the vaguest sense of the bigger picture. Despite the setbacks of the last five days, I still believe it to be the right move, regardless of the buzzing in my lungs that denotes panic.

It'll keep. More than enough to take care of in the meantime.

More to follow.

Trying Not To Get *Too* Deep Here

Today is as good a day as any to get a bit existential-- Why the hell not. The year is approaching its final quarter, some birthdays (mine as well as a few loved ones) are just around the corner... and things are the way they are.

Since January and before, I felt that this was going to be a year of change. It largely has been; and if plans don't change suddenly, it will continue to be so.

I caught myself wondering today about how things could have turned out differently. Alternate paths taken. Different interests fostered. Other choices made. A whole lot of pondering and guessing about things that is, ultimately, pointless.

Things are exactly the way they're supposed to be. 'Cause check it out, this is the way things are.

If I'd gone to a different college, if I'd been interested in pursuing other careers, if I'd done this that and the other thing some other way; I wouldn't be who I am. "That's logic." There's something more than a little comforting about that; and I'm not entirely sure why.

To wit, go figure. More to follow, folks. Whatever the hell that's gonna be.

Waxing Philosophical n' Stuff

Change. An alteration from the status quo, be it temporary or permanent. A subject that has been on my mind before, and more than once.

Change can be a wonderful thing; the fruits of taking a risk and having it pay off. A random chain of events can lead to a new job, a relationship, maybe even a new way of looking at things. For the better, for good.

It can also be disastrous. Be it a sudden over-night slam that you could never have seen coming with binoculars and radar; or a slow, gradual, incremental landslide from a good place to be to someplace you never want to visit again. Metaphorically speaking.

Regardless, change is coming. New opportunities have arrived, old friends have resurfaced. For the ones that have, I’m smiling. But not knowing what’s coming next while being aware that something’s coming can be downright daunting.

I don’t know. It’s entirely possible I’m full of shit.

At this point the only sensible thing to do, seems to be: Keep doing what you’re doing. I like myself, I like what I’m doing and I like the people I choose to spend my free time with. Still: Ingredients in my life, beyond my control, are being altered. Such as where I’m going to be spending 40 hours or more a week.

Try not to over-think it, play it cool, and stick to what you know. And, remember that you’re not in it alone.

That by itself is a comfort. And not the only one: Screaming, ranting, and brandishing a fake gun before a live audience is all sorts of cathartic. Blammo.

Whatever’s next-- bring it. Just don’t drag your feet getting here, already. Sheesh.

Find A New Tune, Find It Fast

Afternoon, folks. I hope your day’s treated you well. Mine’s been pretty decent, and I’m looking forward to The Crucible, tonight. Great show, and David’s in the cast. (Break a leg, David!) That’s later, though. This is right now.

Over the last year, I’ve been striving to take a more active role, just in my own life. By no virtue greater than repetition; certain habits, opinions, and attitudes have engrained themselves pretty stubbornly in my frame of mind. Some of them I can’t do a damned thing about. Others are much closer to being in my control.

I no longer indulge in regret. The choices I’ve made (and will make) shape who I’m going to be in the future, as well as who I am now. I like me. Couldn’t always say that. Yes, I've screwed up in the past, but there isn’t a single thing I can do to change any of that, so fretting over it isn’t going to accomplish a damned thing. So why bother?

I’m more interested in today. I’m being more careful with my money, getting rid of debts rather than buying crap I don’t need. I’m exercising. Hell, I’ve managed to lose 15 pounds, and that feels great.

As much as certain things are falling into place, (and I don’t want to diminish them in any way) there are other aspects of myself that, so far, I have been completely unable to alter. There are people that I can’t help but see in frames of mind that, frankly, no longer fit them. The ‘emotional camel’ that I am, I’m working (and I mean working) at letting go of that unrealistic view.

The best part about this problem? When it’s fixed, when it’s really fixed, the only person it can benefit is yours truly. …I’m not there yet. Not by half. But I want to be. The best way to remove that song stuck in my head is to learn a new one. And I’m not the only one who could stand to pick up a new tune…

As the Prayer for Serenity goes, Let me accept the things I cannot change. Okay: Let me accept that my brain just *works* a certain way, and I’m always going to need something to focus on, worthwhile or otherwise. The only alternative is going completely bonkers.

This is what’s on today’s menu, folks. There may be wackiness afoot shortly, but for the time being, this is where I am.

Ciao for now.

Decisions, Decisions

That’s life for ya.

Something has recently shown up on my horizons… that I am having a very, very hard time figuring out. It’s a choice to make, that has ramifications. It’s a big one.

You’ll have to forgive me for being vague. I can’t go into any great amount of detail, here. Certainly not yet. Let’s just leave it at an opportunity that’s mine to miss if I let it slip.

There’s nothing simple about it. Either way, I’d be sacrificing something, and change is never freakin’ easy.

No. I haven’t made my decision yet. But, on the wise advice of a friend, I’m going to try acting as if I already have, down both roads. See what it feels like.

More to follow. One way or the other, more to follow.

Brand New Sh*t, Brand New Day

As I learned some time ago, any dramatic change is a stressor. Even change for the better. And it's been a change for the better.

My voice-over career is getting somewhere in a relatively short amount of time, and a personal dream is coming true for doing cartoon voices. The evil laughter I developed as a teenager is actually an asset. Who knew?

Meanwhile, at work, my supervisor has been nothing but understanding about this secondary career pursuit. Since my job is hardly a sizable cog in the industrial clock, the occasional half-day spent on my own will hardly keep it from ticking. Which is something I'm fine with, if the auditions keep rolling in...

A lot has been on my mind of late, and the written-down word seems as effective a medium as any. Someone may even read it!

I'm just... I'm at a loss for words. Aspects of my life are changing somewhat dramatically, and I'm left with this feeling of sheer disbelief. Good things are happening. Very good things.

Regardless, I continue to over-think, over-analyze, and scrutinize my every move. It's just how I operate. I don't know if I'd be feeling as good as I do if this Voice-Over job hadn't happened; and a mood based on accomplishment is the poster child of a fair weather friend.

Too much thinking, which is nothing at all new. However: I have new things to think about... and that makes all the difference in the world.

Work In Progress

Ever since I read The Time Traveler’s Wife, a notion in the book has stayed with me as strongly as any other aspect. And if you still haven’t read this book, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. It's a fantastic read.

The time traveler, Henry de Tamble, has run into himself on a few occasions. He escorts his five-year-old self around a grand museum on his younger incarnation’s birthday. He occasionally takes comforting words (and cash) from a version of himself only a few weeks older. On the day before his wedding, Henry decides it’s time to get his long hair cut short. The moment the task is done, Henry looks in the mirror and recognizes himself as the older, more mature man he knew he was going to become sooner or later. Now that person is staring him in the face from the mirror.

Even without the time traveling aspect, I very strongly like the idea of knowing who you’re going to end up becoming. Even if only on some internal, subconscious level, there’s the concept that we know ourselves well enough to recognize almost tailored alterations that benefit us as a whole, or just ‘fit’.

It can be something as broad as finding out you’re got a talent for something as a kid. Discovering a new favorite book. Meeting that friend you feel you’ve known for years. All the resonance of a strong case of Déjà vu with none of the discomfort. Or am I the only one that finds Déjà vu uncomfortable…

Regardless. Even something subtle as a change in appearance (such as a new haircut) that just says “This is me.” I think it’s indicative of something deeper, or at least I’d like to think it is. As for myself, I don’t think I’m ‘there’ yet. Not done making alterations. I mean, I’ve known for a while now that I enjoy writing (and it’s something I think I’m reasonably good at), but I still haven’t quite found my voice for it. I have one writing style for the slam poetry, and another for these blog entries. I’m still finding it in other venues, like play-writing and fiction.

I don’t remember who said it, or even how I came across the following advice. It could have been in a magazine quote, a book, or given in person. Regardless, it has stayed with me: “Write something that *you* would want to read.” I know what I like to read. I also know what I love to read. I haven’t yet fallen in love with my own copy, which is a good thing I’m sure.

In any case, the idea of *being* a work in progress, with subtle or significant changes yet to be made, is one that appeals. The writing tip could be applied to other areas… Perform like the type of showman you would want to watch. (Still an actor.) Act like the type of person you would want to spend time around. Sort of an inverted golden rule. No wonder people tell me I’m self-centered…

And I can work on that.